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That level of intimacy and intensity makes it an affair of the mind, if not the body; it's more than just a friendship.

I find that people in this kind of affair find something in each other that's lacking in their "real" relationship, and they're not dealing with that.

It can also fade if the lovers discover that there wasn't much connecting them beyond sex.

As John later told me, "As great as the sex was, we didn't really have much to say to each other. Rachel began realizing the depth of her anger and resentment towards her husband after years of an unhappy marriage.

The available partner believes that the other really will leave his or her spouse, given enough time and patience. " But that takes two equally available and committed people.

Jane, divorced for several years, began seeing a married man. I've seen many women and women over the years (though it's usually women caught in this trap) who truly believe their lovers will leave their spouses. Jane eventually realized that her lover never had any intention of leaving.

George began by telling me that "She was standing off by herself during a conference break, leaning against a wall, sipping coffee.

"As I walked by, our eyes met and I felt a sudden jolt -- a rush of energy, real connection.

And there's a risk that what they're not finding in their primary relationship will become increasingly disruptive to it. Bill thought this was fail-safe, because no one would suspect.Soon they realized that a very intimate and emotionally close bond had developed.It definitely felt like much more than just a friendship. Linda, who was my patient, said that neither of them wanted to disrupt or leave their primary relationship, or "mess it up." So, they chose to keep it platonic.Eventually, she realized that beneath her anger was a desire for a man who would really recognize her, who could "see" her, as her father never did.

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But before that awakening occurred, she suffered, and she still had to deal with the reality of her marriage and how to heal her own trauma. Can you call it an affair if the "lovers" don't have sex? They became very close working together on a volunteer project.

They thought they could keep it secret; that neither would make any demands on the other and it would be perfectly safe. Most "family" affairs are interwoven with family dysfunctions and buried resentments.

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